The REEL Housewives Recap

By Callan Farris

Now that the latest season of the Bachelor has ended (Blauren is still going strong), I highly suggest programming your DVRs to record Bravo trash and Bravo trash only because you are not going to want to miss a single second of the RHO-Everywhere train wreck. As all of my fellow Housewives-aholics know, we are smack dab in the middle of this Bravo franchise’s take over of our televisions, but if you are one of the select few that have somehow managed to escape this Housewives invasion - read on!

 Credit to Getty Images

Credit to Getty Images

RHO-Beverly Hills
Status: Reunion

I never want to hear the name Munchausen again. EVER. If Yolanda Hadid (RIP Yolanda “Foster”) wasn’t sick this season then there wouldn’t have been a season. It seemed there was not a single scene that these Hollywood ladies were not gossiping about the former super model’s (and mother to famed super models Gigi and Bella Hadid) battle with Lyme disease, or lack thereof. The only pause we got from this tired topic was the breath of fresh air newcomer Erika Jayne (aka Erika Girardi, famously married to the recent headline grabber Tom Girardi) who is a no-nonsense provocative pop performer that doesn’t have time for the other ladies’ catty bullsh*t. “I’m an enigma wrapped in a riddle and cash” was Mrs. Girardi’s introductory tagline this season, and truer words were never spoken. This eight-time number one singles star (and self-proclaimed lover of the C-word) showed up reeking of money and confidence in every scene and quickly cemented herself as the new head bitch in charge. Other than “Sicky” (Yolanda) and “C*nty” (Erika) it was per ushe for the Beverly Hills old-timers. Kyle was weepy and dramatic, Lisa Rinna was the token sh*t-stirrer, Eileen was equal parts sensitive and blah, Lisa Vanderpump was the master manipulator (that I personally still adore), and the other newcomer, Kathryn Edwards, was just evil enough to solidify her spot on the cast next season. I am giddy with anticipation to see how much drama unfolds at the upcoming RHOBH three-part reunion. Drink every time you hear Munchausen’s. You are sure to be as wasted as Kim Richards was last season (too soon?)

 Credit to Getty Images

Credit to Getty Images

RHO-Atlanta
Status: Hiatus

I didn’t think it could get any better than the famed “fix your face; fix your body” duel between Sheree Whitfield and NeNe Leakes but when Kim Fields and Kenya Moore got into it at this season’s RHOA reunion my mind was quickly changed. Quick rundown: Child star, “Tootie”, Kim Fields is at the “grown folks table” and the self-titled “K-eyonce” (who isn’t at the grown folks table according to Mrs. Fields) get into it about who is the better producer/director the entire season and the outcome is an explosive head-to-head reunion couch debate that ends in the best GIF in Real Housewives history.

If that’s all we got out of this Atlanta season it would be enough but fortunately for us the drama between these Georgia peaches started long before.

Season highlights: infamous drunken Peter (husband of Housewives veteran Cynthia Bailey) “cheating” video emerges on the Internet and is passed around more than the ladies pass out “tea” (Urban Dictionary that word if you want to keep up with these ladies), Cynthia gets her kung fu panda on, Porsha gets kicked, Kenya has a new (and very much younger) man, Kandi and Todd welcome their much anticipated baby boy Ace, Phaedra and sons finally make their long-awaited prison appearance, and most importantly NENE IS BACK! All in all, well done Atlanta. You’ve once again taught me some very valuable life lessons, especially how to properly use the word “THOT” in my every day conversations (again, urban dictionary).

RHO-Potomac
Status: Irrelevant

Why this status? Because I think we’ve seen the last of the Potomac ladies. If you aren’t a fan of biracial debates that stretch over 8 long episodes then you won’t be a fan of this DC suburbs Housewives debut. White, black, mixed - who cares?  They won’t be back.

 Credit to Getty Images

Credit to Getty Images

RHO-Dallas
Status: Premiered

As a fellow Dallas-ite and proclaimed lover (ok, obsessor) of the Real Housewives, I couldn’t have been more excited for the premiere of this new edition in my own back yard. I honestly think I screamed in delight when I heard the Bravo cameras were coming to town. I started my “Dallas Housewives” group chat, prepared my snap chat to catch any memorable one-liners, nestled into my couch with remote in hand and pressed play with as much joy running through my body as when my first child was born. But by the first commercial, reality set in. It’s horrible.  Actually, “horrible” is too nice of a word; it’s downright embarrassing. The cast is made up of what I can only presume Bravo wants to be perceived as the crème de la crème of Dallas socialites but Stephanie Hollman, Cary Deuber, Brandi Redmond, Tiffany Hendra and LeeAnne Locken collectively dished out a big Texas helping of hot mess. Farting on command, unflattering impersonations of charity leaders, poop jokes, and countless awkward laughter in front of the cameras were just a few of the cringe-worthy moments during Monday night’s premiere. These are the women Andy Cohen chose to represent the Lone Star State?  Halfway through the show LeeAnne, who describes herself as “loud and aggressive”, even said “it’s getting real Plano up in here” and it wasn’t meant as a compliment. Last time I checked Plano wasn’t exactly the slums, ladies (and how dare you insult the home of Whiskey Cake!) Each episode will no doubt be fueled with “Jesus Juice” (wine) but I don’t think any amount of booze is going to help get me through this season. I am hopeful, but it aint lookin good y’all.

Till next time! Callan